some realizations // redefining23

I am coming to the realization that the statement “it’s okay to not be okay” rings truer than I thought.

Of course it’s okay to not be okay – this means you have acknowledged that something is off and are learning to cope/deal/take on whatever it may be.

Over the past week and a half I think I have been more upset deep down inside than I care to admit. And on more than one occasion these feelings have bubbled to the surface, unannounced and have completely taken me by surprise.

With that being said, these feelings have opened up conversations with others (and myself) that have got me thinking. I have come to realize a few things over the past month that I thought I’d share:

Telling myself that God has a plan is not always enough (like I always thought it was). I’ve always told myself this and truly believed it. But I am realizing now that it is not enough. I had a conversation with my dad the other day and he made a valid point – there is a difference between saying okay He has a plan, and actively listening to what that plan is. I honestly am still working on how to actively listen, but it is relieving to understand there is more to it; I cannot just sit back and only tell myself everything happens for a reason. I have to listen and seek His will in order to see any change.

Having all this time off, has given me the time to put more effort and thought into my freelance business. Sometimes when people ask me what I like to do in my free time, I often think Ha WHAT free time? What is this concept?!??? Honestly, that has been one of my insecurities. When most people watch TV or read or play a sport, I’ve always been stumped. Oh, I like to…uh…go on Pinterest? No shame, but not the answer I would really like to give. I’ve always looked at my life as a to do list. I always have something to do, something to check off as completed. And when I don’t, I usually feel like I could be doing something more productive. And this is why I am always looking for an answer to that question. What DO I like to do? Not until honestly sitting down to write this post did I realize that duh, I have passions and things I enjoy doing in my spare time. I choose to work on my freelance business during my free time because I love photography, design and all things creative. I would rather read blogs, scroll Pinterest and Instagram for inspiration and discover exciting people, places and things through these outlets than watch TV (although I did promise myself I would watch some TV after I graduated college, cause you know, it’s always a great conversation starter. Still working on that…) I have always considered my business as work, but it really isn’t. It’s my passion, something I want to do when I’m not at my actual job. My freelance business has been an actual form of income while being unemployed. Before, it was something I enjoyed, and provided a little extra money. Now, I’m more invested (effort and time-wise) to make it something more than a passion. We’ll see where it takes me 🙂

Vulnerability. This is something I need to work on. No not everything is fun and dandy all the time. I would like to be more authentic and vulnerable in how I am feeling and thinking. I don’t always think I am great with words, so I think this is partly why I have a hard time be vulnerable – how do I voice how I truly feel if I can’t even form how I am feeling in my head? This is something that I am working on. I find that when someone is more vulnerable, it shows your true colors and therefore shows who your true friends are, what you really want to do with your life, and how you process things. I really admire those who show vulnerability and am striving to be more transparent. I want to have that vulnerability but still have a positive outlook.

Recently, I took a personality test. It’s pretty much dead on. It’s called the RHETI Test (Riso-Hudson Enneagram Type Indicator). I am a Type Nine: Peacemaker. Below is a small description of Nines, provided by the Enneagram Institute:

“Generally, Nines are patient, steady, easygoing, receptive, relaxed, unselfconscious, agreeable, uncomplicated, contented, comforting, sensual, and idealizing.

Nines get into conflicts by being emotionally unavailable, complacent, inattentive, unaware of their own anger, ineffectual, passive-aggressive, unrealistic, resigned, and stubborn.

At their best, Nines are self-aware, dynamic, inclusive, steadfast, healing, proactive, contemplative, natural, imaginative, serene, and exuberant, engaged and passionate.”

Yes yes yes to all of the above. I received a very detailed synopsis of what it means to be a Type Nine. I strongly suggest you take the test, too. It’s a little strange reading something that is so on point personality wise. Being in this season of change and unknown, reading my test results really opened my eyes to who I am as a person and a little bit of clarity to why I have been feeling the way I’ve been feeling lately. I do understand this is just a personality test, but it has been a stepping stone to understanding myself.

I think I’ve mastered the Boston T system. Well, maybe not all the lines, but I have gone into Boston more times than I ever have growing up (not complaining – I LOVE Boston!) This may seem random and trivial, but I’m quite proud of myself – I’ve been to different parts of the city in the past month that I’ve never been to before. I have also realized that while I’ve been to most parts of the city, I don’t know my way around those parts. I think a goal of mine for the next year is to spend more time in the city exploring and familiarizing myself with the various areas. I love Boston and I love living so close!

Pinterest quotes, y’all. Don’t judge. When you’re having a rough day, Pinterest quotes are where it’s at. I’m going to share a few that have resonated with me recently.

everynowandthen mediocre  timeisright vision

If you’re at all interested, you can follow my Beautiful Inspiration board on Pinterest (or any of my boards for that matter) here! I guess these are not so much a realization, but nice little reminders that everything will be okay.  Also diving into the Word could be just as (actually, more) helpful, let’s not forget that 🙂

As this post is more like a journal entry; a place to jot down my thoughts, I hope it resonates with you in some way or another. I think although my 23rd year is off to a shaky start, I’ve already learned more about myself in one month than I have in all four years of college (that’s a bit of an exaggeration but whatever…) I think these realizations about myself will help set my mindset for the rest of the year.

Part of theclarissab’s #redefining23 blog series 

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